Happy New Year

Hey guys! FJM here.

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy and safe new year.

Peace out and FREE PALESTINE!

FJM

So uncool

Happy Holidays guys!

John Mayer here after a nice long time away from blogging. I missed it as much as you all have missed me. So I really want you guys to check out Marley & Me... cuz JennyA's doing her thing.

I also want you to never again watch "The Early Show" on CBS because of FRIGTARD of the month: Harry Smith.

Check the link and write nasty letters to Harry Smith and "The Early Show"... Oh yeah, and tell 'em Fake John sent you.

Peace out!

[via The Huffington Post]

Update

Hey guys, FJM again.

Just wanted to give you all the heads up: Be sure to check out my duet with BB King at the Grammy's Nomination Concert. As you can image we're the only thing worth watching so just be sure to flip over to see if we're on. It'll be on CBS so check your local listings.

Peace Out... 

FJM

P.S. Yeah, we're sooo gonna f-in' rock!

Pistol Plax

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

As a fan of American Football, I ceremoniously make sure that the console of 50-inchers are tuned to the various games going on around the country every Sunday. The Mayer Pad is the place to be on Sundays and I won't apologize for it. 

I hold nothing but the highest respect for these modern day gladiators that risk health and well-being for the entertainment of us all. That being said, every now and again one of these guys make such an asshole move that we just have to ask the question: why?

In the time honored tradition of sports heros doing spectacularly stupid things, Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants shot himself in the leg in the early hours of Saturday morning while at LQ (formerly Latin Quarters).

It's amazing to see someone so eager to throw everything away. It's even more so amazing when we really didn't even see this one coming. Team mate, Antonio Pierce, didn't even know that Plax owned a gun!?! I'll be frank, I don't think Plax is a bad guy or even that this is something coming to him; but he's making it very difficult for himself to 1. remain a professional football player, 2. keep his freedom. (New York State has one of the toughest gun laws - 3 1/2 year mandatory prison sentence for any one convicted of illegal possession of a handgun.)

As a fellow celeb with a cult-like following, it's hard being in the public eye all the time. I understand the pressures of having to always be "on." Plax let's get it together so we can all move pass this.

Peace Out!

FJM

Black Friday Massacre

John Mayer here.

It's with a heavy heart and absolute disgust that I report to you that nothing brings out the worst in people like holiday shopping. This year the Black Friday "holiday" saw the death of one Wal-Mart employee in Valley Stream, NY and a shooting that left 2 dead in a Toys R Us in Palm Desert, CA.

What the fuck!!!

Really?

Is your crap really worth all this? Because after gorging oneself with a 50 ton turkey, human instinct is to immediately go out and do some killin'.

The persons responsible in the trampling death and the shooting deaths should be held accountable to every extent of the law; more importantly the companies that held the "door-buster events" should also be charged for negligent homicide as they did nothing to keep order in what was an already chaotic day.

Goddamn.

FJM

Happy Thanksgiving.

And big fake shout-out to Rick Astley.

Happy Thanksgiving... "I LIKE RICK ROLLING!!!"

Economic Depression Survival Kit

Hey Guys! John Mayer here.

I'm back from a much needed hiatus. It was hard being one of the many forces of change that stepped up and did their civic duty in this country.

Now we all have to sit back and keep an eye on the state of this country before it becomes official.

As we've all seen it's extremely difficult not to know where we are in terms of our economy. And every time we think it's safe to come out; there's news that G W Bush is writing another blank check to a Wall Street vampire. Just last week, AIG asked for another 20 Billion (yes with a "B"); the number of home owners who've gotten a pass on foreclosure: 0 (yes, with a "Z").

Scary and uncertain times indeed.

It's not in my nature to endorse non-paying products (like the Blackberry Bold w/ AT&T or the Blackberry Storm w/ Verizon), but I think I'll make an exception this once. Giz posted a recent auction of a 19th century Vampire Hunter kit. Although it's not its intended use; nowadays you can use it to slay high interest loan officers, foreclosure agents, the repo-man, etc.

And if you can't drop $14,000 on an authentic one, just follow the item list for an easy do-it-yourself kit.

Peace Out,

FJM

Yes We Can! Si Se Puede! We Did It!

I am beyond ecstatic! At the risk of slipping in and out of character... THIS IS A VICTORY FOR ALL AMERICANS.

I mean what more can really be said this is the most important election folks were a part of. Our actions speak volumes of what we are all looking for in our country.

To my overseas friends; we, Americans, are ready to lead the world (finally) by example.

Now let's get it done.

Mr President Elect....

YOU FUCKIN' ROCK!

Peace Out,

FJM

Caption Contest

This past election has given us a new John Q. Public. His name Joe Six-Pack. My friends, let's give Joe the send off he deserves.

Peace Out,
FJM

We're getting closer

Hey guys!

We're fast approaching D-day. A chance for all Americans to show the world (and hopefully by large numbers) that we're tired of the same shit. We no longer want to live in fear, no longer want to be the ONLY developed nation that tells their citizens, "fuck you if you need health care."

It's time for a change.

So everyone, call a friend. Tell them to call a friend. If you're in a city, town, community where public transportation is non existent and you own a car; drive folks who have hardship getting to their polling place. It's time for the citizens of this country to take back the democratic process.

Peace Out!
FJM

This ain't out...

Except it was. Like a year ago.

Ye' you really just come off like a bigger douche than me on this one. I know you gotta give your fans that unattainable dream: jet setting across to foreign lands that would illicit a sense of bewilderment and exoticism.

So you went ahead and did an unboxing of a Bang and Olufsen cellphone on your blog. True indeed that it is like nothing folks have seen in this hemisphere but damn! You could've picked up a newer phone.

Not only are you a year late but you then chose one of the year's biggest piece of shit phone to top it off. It's bad enough that your average fan (based on posts) are still going crazy for last year's Blackberry Curve, now you have them screwing with B&O's plans of getting out the cellphone game altogether.

Look man, really just get with the times and unbox a phone that does more than make phone calls. Like my 2 year old Blackberry Bold.

Peace Out,

FJM

OMG... how do I exist when FJM isn't here.

Hey guys; FJM.

And sometimes you just come across something so fantastically frigtarded that you really can't help but put this up. E! I honor the place your tripe and the absurd become one.

For the record, Hills starlet, you really don't exist. Even when Lauren's there.

Peace Out,

FJM

Hopegasm!

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

Thanks to everyone that's been sending emails wondering where I've been. Well I haven't been anywhere really just been preparing for last night's big Hopeformercial.

Man was it an experience. I cried. Twice. And I'm not ashamed to say it either. It was one of the most amazing heart-warming pieces on television; it actually got people watching primetime network television.

According to the AP/Nielsen 33.6 million people tuned in and had the audacity to hope... and Pushing Daisies even got some of their hopes and dreams answered... people stayed and found out that they actually have something on Wednesday nights on ABC.

What more can you possibly ask for? This man has not just put his life on the line, inspired a nation, and dared us to dream the impossible... he got people watching ABC when Desperate Housewives isn't on. The genuine article.

Big-O, you ROCK!

Peace Out,
FJM

The Liar, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

Well the cat's out the bag and Jane Six-pack turns out to be a Saks Fifth Ave's black card holder. Who would've guessed right? I am she just seemed so homey and a salt of the earth. She ate moose burgers and shot shit with her daughter's baby's daddy. I mean she soooo connected me and my needs.

And now the folks over at Politico have come to fuck this up for Palin's "real America." Let's face it, she's a governor with a trailer trash family and was thrown in front of the spotlight (like a moose in the headlights). Do you really believe that a beauty pageant flunky was gonna strut her stuff in front the camera in her Wal-mart best.

Hell no! My life is the spotlight. It's a demanding lifestyle and the emphasis is on style. GQ man of the year is speaking, I suggest you listen. See being the megastar that I am, I don't have to worry about the cost of my jeans, hoodies, and tees. I don't have to worry about it because someone pays me to wear it. Sarah Palin is just trying to live out her fantasy that she's somehow relevant (and the RNC has sponsored her look).

That being said; John Mayer is all about philanthropy and we should not let anyone suffer in this world. That's why for pennies a day, you too can adopt a redneck family and dress them like out of touch elitist. Maybe they'll even look smart and can pass for Democrats.

Peace Out!
FJM

We're getting close

Hey guys, John Mayer here!

What a crazy election year this is going to be. We're down to the last two weeks and we're fast approaching the zero hour and although we can not ease up on our fight against those who'd not let the world change.

Well fear-not rebels; the WSJ says that over the last month we've all chipped in the last of 401k and have put Barry O to a record $150M in campaign money. Not too shabby for millions of "Joe the Plumbers."

The news comes at a most crucial time. Just as we've all come off the final debate's plumber high, the latest polls are showing Father Time edging up in some states closing the gap. It's more than a simple numbers game that we're playing here, the very opportunity to change the world hangs in the balance.

So let's not let up and keep the movement going. It ain't over til Nov 5th... and we got work to do.

Peace Out!
FJM

Live from Philadelphia

Hey guys, John Mayer here.

My friends, I'm doing a little campaigning out in the Keystone State this weekend. We're bangin' down doors and talkin' to folks and spreading Barry's message.

One of the more interesting events of the weekend came from the Philadelphia Flyers (hockey team for those that don't follow) home opener. America's "favorite" hockey mom aka Caribou Barbie, was in the building to drop the ceremonial first puck. And the City of Brotherly Love did not fail to disappoint.

But don't take my word for it... I'm John Mayer. And I approve this message:



PS did anyone else catch the Obama-Biden Poster. Yeah it's like that.

Projector Goes Over Head

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

This past Tuesday, Father Time challenged That One to a pissing contest of epic proportions. In an effort to point out Barry's "history of earmarks and wasteful spending," Father Time cited a request for a "$3 Million overhead projector."

What a powerful image that portrays. I mean I keep thinking about those shitty boxes with a lamp in it that college professors used in their lectures. And to be honest, if you're paying more than a couple hundred bucks then that's a rip off.

That would even burn your boy JM; except that's not what we're talking about here. The "pork barrel project" Father Time was speaking about was an upgrade to a planetarium (not plane-arium) in Chicago. You know the kind that is used to educate kids and those that wanna learn about that big black thing with the sparkly stuff in it at night. I mean, clearly two different things entirely.

Now I admit, I've owned more cameras than any man should be comfortable admitting to, but maybe, just maybe, this has created a bias. In an effort to not be partisan in our country's most difficult time I've provided a couple of links for Father Time that may help him get it together.

Overhead Projector vs. Zeiss Mark VI star projector.

Special shout out to Technology and the PVSD and Gizmodo for helping in clearing things up.

Peace Out!

JM

Why I don't own an X-box 360

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

You know I'm not trying to alienate anyone or anything but there's a reason why you're boy John doesn't have a Microsoft X-box endorsement. For one the Rock God that intro'ed iTunes at MacWorld would never be so blasphemous and shun that which hath brought his greatness to the masses.

The other reason is quite simple actually, I've been endowed with the gift to screw two supermodels at the same and go on (and on) for hours without end. I mean what do you expect, I'm John Mayer. I make it rain bitches.

Well the BBC reports that men with high levels of serotonin are prone to premature ejaculation. It goes on to explain that serotonin, for all you unread kids out there, is the hormone that allows for a person to be adept at activities that require high reflex skills.

Or as Paula Hall put it, "These men have very quick reflexes. They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example."

Well some folks have their X-Box Live scores to profess their greatest personal achievements. I'll stick to the two supermodel thing.

Peace Out,

John

Round 2

John Mayer here!

In just a few minutes we will be witness to the second most important and relevant debate in American history. Though it's been a few days (and a promised non-post on the V.P. debate) there's a lot to talk about and a lot that wasn't talked about.

If last Thursday's debate was any kind of barometer as to the state of America; we have truly failed everyone. What has truly become of us when a could-be elected official needs only manage to string together a few near intelligible sentences and you've been declared the victor and we have a problem. When for a week leading up to it, the experienced candidate is told that he must not make any valid points, not expose his opponent's weaknesses, and over-all give special treatment to said opponent simply because she has a clit or risk being viewed as a sexist. Well, that wouldn't be sexist at if we all held her to the lowest of expectations... Nah!

So while Governor Barbie was effectively non answering ANY of the questions asked of her we were simultaneously hit with the news that Wall St. is all but in the shitter; we were told that government should just "stay away" and "follow in some Wasilla Main St. sensibilities," we looked at the Dow crap out at one day loss of nearly 800 points. In other words, while Caribou Barbie is winking and talking like a retard, er, being photogenic and Ms Congeniality, most Main Streeters watched as their life savings were wasted away.

After the debate we saw some interesting (filed under disturbing) things:

(1) Wall Street is in the toilet, the war is still not over and not getting any cheaper, it's the Dems fault says the Repube, it's the Repubes fault says the Dems. But no one has any answers or plans expect that we get the bill.

(2) "I've got suckered into a bad mortgage, my home is going into foreclosure and I will almost certainly lose my home. Does the Bail Out mean I can keep my home?" Hell no... sorry guys on your own there.

(3) Lately Caribou Barbie has been touting the Republican agenda as "God's Plan" and "killing all terrorist and winning the war on terror." Some folks have said, "But John, hasn't she also alluded that Barack Obama was involved with a domestic terrorist. Does that mean that..." Yup. It's hard being a Black man in America.

But people we can change. We've been waiting for the world to change and here's our chance. Let's really look to the pending debate as grown-ups with more than two word vocabularies (those words being "evil" and "Wasilla"). Here's the game plan candidates:

Barry - there's a time to be civil, distinguished, and diplomatic. And now's not that time. We want to see that righteous RAGE. Rage and lash out and let the world know what we all know... You kick ass and chew bubble gum. Barry there's no more gum.

Father Time - PLEASE STOP AGING!!! Every second that passes is one second closer to a Barbie Presidency; anyone that makes Dubya seem like a likable, intelligent, and credible person is simply no good.

I'll be in transit this evening and reporting from the JM Wing (weather permitting). Stay tuned!

Peace Out,

John

The VEEP Debate

Hey guys!

I'm watching the debate and trying to stomach the bullshit. We're sooooo gonna have a lot to chat about.

Talk to you soon,

John

A Day in The Life

I'm John Mayer and I approve this message:

See more John Mayer videos at Funny or Die

On a lighter note.

FJM here guys!

Now I understand everyone's in a tizzy over the economy right now. But hey at you can rest assured that I'll be just fine. In fact, you should check me out in concert... in Blu-Ray. Oh yeah, and not to sound like an arrogant, self-centered tool; Check a clip of Usher in concert below.

JM approved!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Panic! at Wall Street

WOW!

John Mayer here.

What a fucked up week for anyone that plays high stakes Lotto, formerly known as Wall Street. Now we've all been watching the news very closely and the Market is in shambles. There's a whole bunch of information being thrown at you and you're left wondering, "what the hell does this all mean?"

Well I hate to be the barer of bad news; it means everyone that told their kids to stop "wasting their lives playing their garage band" and to "go to school and get a good job and learn business" was full of shit. I mean in my pre-RockGod days I was told the same thing. "John, stay in college. Learn a skill like business management. Math, numbers, charts, stop using a Mac. When are you going to grow up and use Windows."

Please. Could you even try to picture JM working a cubicle? Blasphemy!

I'm a true rebel. I didn't "play it safe," I played the friggin' guitar. They said go to school and I said I was done with all the bullshit teachers who couldn't cut it chasing their dreams. Everyone looked to Wall Street as the epitomy of a "safe job" a "chance of making a decent life" for themselves and their families. They flocked to their Ivy League Schools and their stiff suit halls of American Corporation... now they can all flock to the unemployment line.

Rock on you rebels. Those that chased the dream, keep running and piss on all the pencil pushers and their punch-clock promise.

Peace Out!

Where in the World is John Mayer?

Hey Guys, JM here.

So as we all know, today Steve Jobs and Apple had their big event out in the Left Coast this morning announcing all kinds of iPod goodies. And man were they great. So great in fact that in order to properly introduce them to the world, SJ felt that only the greatest rock-n-roll artists in history could get the message across.

We heard Elvis, Jimmy, and me biiiiiittttccccheessss!!!!

That's right, me and Steve had been rehearsing this for like 3 months now. It's not an easy task to make the world melt with my smooth out-ness and Dear Leader himself ask me to consult on what we were gonna play. I mean do you really think it was a coincidence that JM gets air play not once, not twice, but three times.

Man it was an honor. B. Lam, editor at large over at Giz, I was there. Maybe not in the physical, but I was soooo there. Steve and I ripped the show... Johnny I & co wowed you with his design; but like SJ said, it's all about the music.

Peace Out!
John

Double Sport Athletes Rock!!!

Hey Guys!

John Mayer here.

I'd like to give a big shout-out to the homey Michael Phelps; seen at right training for the next Olympics' latest sport: The 100 Meter Ass Grab.

Thank you Radar for your shameless debauchery and endless canonization of the paparazzi; and God Bless strippers, groupies, sleazy men, and alcohol... which hath made all this goodness possible.

Peace Out!
John.

Barack-rolled @ the RNC

Hey guys!

Missed me? Of course you did.

Came across this from the good folks at Gawker. Enjoy yourselves!

First a Haircut... Then Some Trim

John Mayer here.

So I think we're all sifting through all the bullshit from Election Fever. Barry Obama did tear the roof off the Mile High City; and from one Rock God to another, "DUDE YOU TOTALLY ROCK!"

It was an amazing week and it was awesome to be amongst it all. It's the kind of week that truly inspires the soul. Teddy K came out of his death bed to sing the praises of the Big O. The Clintstones buried their hatchets and let the world know who is who and what is what.

The tallest order of week however came from Bam himself; proving to the redneck, cracker population that the Obamas are an ordinary American family. Well after being an actual witness to the DNC I can safely say is that they surely are anything but ordinary... They're the Huxtables.

With all the wonderful things to say about the Dems over the last week, I was still left with a serious feeling of abandonment. With all the political mega stars on hand there was a noteable absentee. John Edwards.

Now we already now the sad story of how Edwards lost the nomination on account of a $400 haircut and his career over $2 trim. Seriously? His career for some (ugly) pussy. Damn!!!

As horrible as that sounds by itself; the saddest story is the voice on an all important issue that was lost. In my lifetime there hasn't been a single politician, Black, white, green, or orange that has stood bravely before their fellow man and speak for (not down to) the poor.

Although it bore the fruit you worship (John Mayer), over 10% of the people in this country live below the poverty line. These are people that working, struggling and hustling trying to see where the ends meet much less actually meeting them.

The one viable voice that the Dems had they threw under the bus along with his illegitimate child. Look, I know the pressures of being in a different city every night. I have pussy thrown my way all the time. And sure I take it; I deserve it. But to throw out your voice? That's like me throwing out my guitar and playing clarinet for the rest of my career. Sure I could but would I still be a Rock God? Probably not. To that end, can the Dems truly say they are for every American? It's questionable.

So go ahead McCain and you Repube bastards; the Dems aren't perfect. But should the goings on of a person's bedroom be indicative of their ability to govern effectively? I mean I guess it's easy to talk when your nominees never had an extramartial affair or children conceived out of wedlock. Oh that's right, they have.

Peace Out!
JM

The Maverick and the MILF

Hey guys!

So by now we've all seen and heard McCain's introduction to his 3rd wife. Errr, scratch that; his running mate. An although I love a gun-totin', pro-life, beauty pageant winning MILF as much as the next guy; is this the kind of change we're looking for?

For the last 6 months we've been fed the bullshit of how Obama's waaaaaaaay too inexperienced; now we're to believe that a person whose resume includes mayor of a "city" with a population circa 8000 is qualified to be #2. Well then quite frankly I'm fuckin' qualified to be Emperor.

Seriously, I was playing for more people back in Fairfield as a teenager. I was a friggin' Blues Man.... ever heard of me?!? Of course you have.

I'm JOHN MAYER!

But I digress. Unfortunately, the now desparate Republican Party is doing anything in hopes to generate buzz for the aging McCain. The GOP is hoping women will vote with their hoods instead of with their heads.

John's for the ladies and I know the ladies will vote on the issues and not the poli-tricks.

Peace Out!
John.

Tiddy Bear

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

Well it's Labor Day weekend and well it's time to take care of John's needs. I'll posting sporadically in between bongs and groupies. Just thought I'd leave you with this for now.

It's called the Tiddy Bear; I'm having my legal team give these guys a call. It was originally intended to be a plush John Mayer and sold ONLY to supermodels and big titty celebs. This is soooo blowing my high.

Peace Out!
John

The Man's Bag

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

One of the most awesome things about being a rock god is that all things are catered to your whims.

The good folks over at InCase asked me, "hey John, what would your laptop bag look like?" To which my reply was, "Dude; I don't want a fuck ugly bag. I own a MacBook Air; I don't need a fucking bag."

After an hour of having their marketing folks cry and beg for 2 hours straight, I finally said, "you can use my initials. My worshipers deserve it."

So, since the mood strikes you, check out my store, buy the bag and bring me my money.

Peace out,

John

Marriage Mirage

Hey guys; John Mayer here. So everyone's been harrassing my publicist lately about this whole marriage thing. First, let me just say that it wasn't me. No not the groupie, that was me, but the marriage. So you really think a mere mortal could tame the sex drive of a Rock God!?!

Yeah, I didn't think so.

But this isn't to say anything bad about Jenny A. I think shes great but she's not the best at worshiping at my feet. I mean really, every time one of these smut rags posted pictures of Angie's bitch, she'd get all soft and teary eyed. I mean really... focus on me. Thanks.

So all those pictures you've seen in the trash mags; never happened. That guy you've seen with Jenny A? One of her actor friends. I'm just disappointed that you would even mistake him for me. Really?!? He looks like a total douche bag. What a tool.

Peace out,

John