"I've got a penis. Just wanted to remind you of that."

Update

Hey guys!

FJM here.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I will be guest blogging on The Poor Mac's Blog to give folks the perspective of the rich and famous. I mean Apple has always been about accessibility of cutting edge technology to the masses; from the introduction of the highly successful LISA to the impregnable iPod market.

Much love and Namaste.

The Award for Most Ghetto Couple of the Year (The Bobby-Whitney) goes to...

Hey Guys John Mayer here!

Well what a crazy Grammy night right?

We saw it all, legends delegated to clean up duty, a blimp with rappers, an awkward rock-country duo, and R&B's "power couple" have a possible career ending meltdown.

Sadly, I think we all forget that beyond the glitz, glamour, and great pr these people we see on the TV are just that... People. Like all people they have their ups, downs, and issues that they need to resolve. Unfortunately for Brown, he chose to resolve his dispute with his hands.

As a man I'd have to simply say that it was simply a bitch move. That's right, there's no justification for. Period. Sure we can try to string Brown up from the highest tree we can find, but the truth is Wrigley's has already done it by cutting him off.

Sorry Chris... you wanted to man up to your woman, but Wrigley's has reminded you who's the bitch in THAT relationship.

Peace Out!

FJM

Kim Jong Il to bring Moon to N Korea

Hey guys, FJM here.

I've missed you guys and has been quite busy in the Mayer City... but I haven't forgotten. Here's a little news that just might be crazy enough to work:



Peace Out!
FJM

NYC Taxi Limo Commission now accepting iPods

Hey guys.. John Mayer here.

I'm finally back. I've had to take a little vacation as I've been totally haggard by another holiday season.

The holiday's are a time where folks either travel to meet with family or get out and see the world. Personally speaking I fancy heading out to Cabo with a few lady friends and being pampered in Cabo's perfect weather. But I digress.

Unfortunately not everyone gets to enjoy their time away and sometimes you just wanna get away from your getaway; like some poor 20-year girl that was relieved of her iPod by a NYC cabbie.

Yup, as bad as that sounds it just gets worse.

According to Elliott.org, the 20-year old was on her way to the airport on a yellow taxi and attempted to pay with her credit card. Although she had used plastic to pay for her comings and goings while in the Big Apple, there appeared to be a malfunction with the cab's credit card reader prompting the driver and Port Authority policy to threaten to "book" the 20-year old for fare evasion.

Long story short the girl gives up the iPod and cries all the way home, the Port Authority says no names no issues, and the TLC said since it was okayed by the PA policy, then the issue is between customer and driver (i.e. tough shit we're stayin' out).

Well being a resident of the city so nice they named it twice, Ms. Lenhart if you're out there... I'll send you a fake free copy of "Where the Light Is" on Blu-Ray if you keep me posted.

Peace Out,

FJM

Happy New Year

Hey guys! FJM here.

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy and safe new year.

Peace out and FREE PALESTINE!

FJM

So uncool

Happy Holidays guys!

John Mayer here after a nice long time away from blogging. I missed it as much as you all have missed me. So I really want you guys to check out Marley & Me... cuz JennyA's doing her thing.

I also want you to never again watch "The Early Show" on CBS because of FRIGTARD of the month: Harry Smith.

Check the link and write nasty letters to Harry Smith and "The Early Show"... Oh yeah, and tell 'em Fake John sent you.

Peace out!

[via The Huffington Post]

Update

Hey guys, FJM again.

Just wanted to give you all the heads up: Be sure to check out my duet with BB King at the Grammy's Nomination Concert. As you can image we're the only thing worth watching so just be sure to flip over to see if we're on. It'll be on CBS so check your local listings.

Peace Out... 

FJM

P.S. Yeah, we're sooo gonna f-in' rock!

Pistol Plax

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

As a fan of American Football, I ceremoniously make sure that the console of 50-inchers are tuned to the various games going on around the country every Sunday. The Mayer Pad is the place to be on Sundays and I won't apologize for it. 

I hold nothing but the highest respect for these modern day gladiators that risk health and well-being for the entertainment of us all. That being said, every now and again one of these guys make such an asshole move that we just have to ask the question: why?

In the time honored tradition of sports heros doing spectacularly stupid things, Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants shot himself in the leg in the early hours of Saturday morning while at LQ (formerly Latin Quarters).

It's amazing to see someone so eager to throw everything away. It's even more so amazing when we really didn't even see this one coming. Team mate, Antonio Pierce, didn't even know that Plax owned a gun!?! I'll be frank, I don't think Plax is a bad guy or even that this is something coming to him; but he's making it very difficult for himself to 1. remain a professional football player, 2. keep his freedom. (New York State has one of the toughest gun laws - 3 1/2 year mandatory prison sentence for any one convicted of illegal possession of a handgun.)

As a fellow celeb with a cult-like following, it's hard being in the public eye all the time. I understand the pressures of having to always be "on." Plax let's get it together so we can all move pass this.

Peace Out!

FJM

Black Friday Massacre

John Mayer here.

It's with a heavy heart and absolute disgust that I report to you that nothing brings out the worst in people like holiday shopping. This year the Black Friday "holiday" saw the death of one Wal-Mart employee in Valley Stream, NY and a shooting that left 2 dead in a Toys R Us in Palm Desert, CA.

What the fuck!!!

Really?

Is your crap really worth all this? Because after gorging oneself with a 50 ton turkey, human instinct is to immediately go out and do some killin'.

The persons responsible in the trampling death and the shooting deaths should be held accountable to every extent of the law; more importantly the companies that held the "door-buster events" should also be charged for negligent homicide as they did nothing to keep order in what was an already chaotic day.

Goddamn.

FJM

Happy Thanksgiving.

And big fake shout-out to Rick Astley.

Happy Thanksgiving... "I LIKE RICK ROLLING!!!"

Economic Depression Survival Kit

Hey Guys! John Mayer here.

I'm back from a much needed hiatus. It was hard being one of the many forces of change that stepped up and did their civic duty in this country.

Now we all have to sit back and keep an eye on the state of this country before it becomes official.

As we've all seen it's extremely difficult not to know where we are in terms of our economy. And every time we think it's safe to come out; there's news that G W Bush is writing another blank check to a Wall Street vampire. Just last week, AIG asked for another 20 Billion (yes with a "B"); the number of home owners who've gotten a pass on foreclosure: 0 (yes, with a "Z").

Scary and uncertain times indeed.

It's not in my nature to endorse non-paying products (like the Blackberry Bold w/ AT&T or the Blackberry Storm w/ Verizon), but I think I'll make an exception this once. Giz posted a recent auction of a 19th century Vampire Hunter kit. Although it's not its intended use; nowadays you can use it to slay high interest loan officers, foreclosure agents, the repo-man, etc.

And if you can't drop $14,000 on an authentic one, just follow the item list for an easy do-it-yourself kit.

Peace Out,

FJM

Yes We Can! Si Se Puede! We Did It!

I am beyond ecstatic! At the risk of slipping in and out of character... THIS IS A VICTORY FOR ALL AMERICANS.

I mean what more can really be said this is the most important election folks were a part of. Our actions speak volumes of what we are all looking for in our country.

To my overseas friends; we, Americans, are ready to lead the world (finally) by example.

Now let's get it done.

Mr President Elect....

YOU FUCKIN' ROCK!

Peace Out,

FJM

Caption Contest

This past election has given us a new John Q. Public. His name Joe Six-Pack. My friends, let's give Joe the send off he deserves.

Peace Out,
FJM

We're getting closer

Hey guys!

We're fast approaching D-day. A chance for all Americans to show the world (and hopefully by large numbers) that we're tired of the same shit. We no longer want to live in fear, no longer want to be the ONLY developed nation that tells their citizens, "fuck you if you need health care."

It's time for a change.

So everyone, call a friend. Tell them to call a friend. If you're in a city, town, community where public transportation is non existent and you own a car; drive folks who have hardship getting to their polling place. It's time for the citizens of this country to take back the democratic process.

Peace Out!
FJM

This ain't out...

Except it was. Like a year ago.

Ye' you really just come off like a bigger douche than me on this one. I know you gotta give your fans that unattainable dream: jet setting across to foreign lands that would illicit a sense of bewilderment and exoticism.

So you went ahead and did an unboxing of a Bang and Olufsen cellphone on your blog. True indeed that it is like nothing folks have seen in this hemisphere but damn! You could've picked up a newer phone.

Not only are you a year late but you then chose one of the year's biggest piece of shit phone to top it off. It's bad enough that your average fan (based on posts) are still going crazy for last year's Blackberry Curve, now you have them screwing with B&O's plans of getting out the cellphone game altogether.

Look man, really just get with the times and unbox a phone that does more than make phone calls. Like my 2 year old Blackberry Bold.

Peace Out,

FJM

OMG... how do I exist when FJM isn't here.

Hey guys; FJM.

And sometimes you just come across something so fantastically frigtarded that you really can't help but put this up. E! I honor the place your tripe and the absurd become one.

For the record, Hills starlet, you really don't exist. Even when Lauren's there.

Peace Out,

FJM

Hopegasm!

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

Thanks to everyone that's been sending emails wondering where I've been. Well I haven't been anywhere really just been preparing for last night's big Hopeformercial.

Man was it an experience. I cried. Twice. And I'm not ashamed to say it either. It was one of the most amazing heart-warming pieces on television; it actually got people watching primetime network television.

According to the AP/Nielsen 33.6 million people tuned in and had the audacity to hope... and Pushing Daisies even got some of their hopes and dreams answered... people stayed and found out that they actually have something on Wednesday nights on ABC.

What more can you possibly ask for? This man has not just put his life on the line, inspired a nation, and dared us to dream the impossible... he got people watching ABC when Desperate Housewives isn't on. The genuine article.

Big-O, you ROCK!

Peace Out,
FJM

The Liar, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Hey guys! John Mayer here.

Well the cat's out the bag and Jane Six-pack turns out to be a Saks Fifth Ave's black card holder. Who would've guessed right? I am she just seemed so homey and a salt of the earth. She ate moose burgers and shot shit with her daughter's baby's daddy. I mean she soooo connected me and my needs.

And now the folks over at Politico have come to fuck this up for Palin's "real America." Let's face it, she's a governor with a trailer trash family and was thrown in front of the spotlight (like a moose in the headlights). Do you really believe that a beauty pageant flunky was gonna strut her stuff in front the camera in her Wal-mart best.

Hell no! My life is the spotlight. It's a demanding lifestyle and the emphasis is on style. GQ man of the year is speaking, I suggest you listen. See being the megastar that I am, I don't have to worry about the cost of my jeans, hoodies, and tees. I don't have to worry about it because someone pays me to wear it. Sarah Palin is just trying to live out her fantasy that she's somehow relevant (and the RNC has sponsored her look).

That being said; John Mayer is all about philanthropy and we should not let anyone suffer in this world. That's why for pennies a day, you too can adopt a redneck family and dress them like out of touch elitist. Maybe they'll even look smart and can pass for Democrats.

Peace Out!
FJM

We're getting close

Hey guys, John Mayer here!

What a crazy election year this is going to be. We're down to the last two weeks and we're fast approaching the zero hour and although we can not ease up on our fight against those who'd not let the world change.

Well fear-not rebels; the WSJ says that over the last month we've all chipped in the last of 401k and have put Barry O to a record $150M in campaign money. Not too shabby for millions of "Joe the Plumbers."

The news comes at a most crucial time. Just as we've all come off the final debate's plumber high, the latest polls are showing Father Time edging up in some states closing the gap. It's more than a simple numbers game that we're playing here, the very opportunity to change the world hangs in the balance.

So let's not let up and keep the movement going. It ain't over til Nov 5th... and we got work to do.

Peace Out!
FJM